Think-piece Lover Pillows

Man sees statue just like him, labeled 'The Non Thinker'.

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

Bob encounters one of the bugs in the Jean Paul Sartre fan website.

'Peter the Flying Hippo is my favorite storybook character without any merchandising tie-ins.'

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"There's something weird about Emily. She actually likes school!"

'X is unknown? Even to somebody with all your education?'

"I need to tinkle."

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

Jean-Paul Sartre

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Distractions Of The Great

Vlad the Inhaler

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Charlotte's Website' ('The children's book classic rewritten for the electronic era!')

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'

Playdough's The Republic

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

"It feels good to unwind..."

The intellectual.

"Global warming is a great icebreaker."

Running

Iris Murdoch

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

Rap music

"Siri, who’s the fairest of them all?"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Fishing for complements