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'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"To torture an insect or not to torture an insect, that is the question."

Sock Puppet in Literature

Tabletop Theatre

Henrik Ibsen,

He'd attended Julliard and done Shakespeare in the park, and he never thought he'd sink this low, but there were bills to pay, and there weren't that many jobs out there for a bottle of seltzer water.'

"I gotta cut you off, Pierre. That's your tenth 'pretend Manhattan' since you got here."

Harriet Walter

'Sheep striptease'.

"We're doing a skit of Peter Rabbit at school. I'm the potting soil."

"An actor ... huh, that’s funny, because you look just like a waiter."

Daniel Day Lewis & George Glasgow

Ventriloquist Grave

"I sensed a fine balance between the misery on the stage and the misery in the audience."

It's an iphone rehearsal.

'The actors guild suspended my membership.'

Little Piano

"They're texting it in."

'How is your degree in theater going to help you here?'

'It's a sprained ankle again. Why are you always slipping on banana peels?'

Comedy, Tragedy and News.

"Well, Clive, what I REALLY want to do it wait on tables."

Latest support group: British actors who couldn't get a part in the Harry Potter films.

'Nest, my impression of Beethoven's sonata inD major, of.31, no.2, as played by Humphrey Bogart.'

Magicians monkey.

"I'm retired actor Daniel Day Lewis. They thought I was I was good. They don't know how good."

The great bespeak for Miss Snevellicci

The children who can't handle dialog will play trees and bushes. They'll be scenery and not heard!

Jumbo in Henrik Ibsen's The Wild Duck

"To be or not to have been...no, that won't do. To be or not to be, that is the conundrum. Hmmm..."

"O.K., I just found my wife in bed with my best friend and I go into a rage. What's my motivation?"

"There's a big difference between being a method actor and a meth OD'd actor, Burt."

Madonna

Clown school

Sid James