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"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

'So the happy meal didn't work.'

"And then it hit me: I'm salivating over a goddam bell."

'Always had difficulty expressing my anger. Even before the botox injections.'

'How long have you had this need to be in control?'

"The only reason I come here is because they won't let me lay on the couch at home."

'I don't believe in myself any more.'

"I love talking to you about my problems. We should do a podcast."

"You've been a big help. I finally feel like I have my head on straight."

"You must learn to let go."

'Thank you for gently guiding me toward insight.'

"To be fair, I think you should be very clear about the ground rules with your next jester."

A la Carte

"She can forgive Nixon, but she can't forgive me."

'Do you think I have an inferiority complex?' - 'No, I think you are inferior.'

We're making progress, but it's still too early to be breaking out the party hats and noise-makers.

'You can't keep sweeping all your personnel problems under the carpet.'

'Your inferiority complex is so bad, maybe you should see a more competent therapist.'

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

A military leader gleefully describes war to a cowering psychiatrist.

'I'm having my anger-management counselor and my conflict counselor duke it out.'

'How long have you had this death wish?'

Psychiatrist's couch held up by Freud statue.

"Well...how did your appointment with the psychiatrist go?"

Psychiatry ward with 'Inhibited' and 'Outgoing' trays.

'If you knew that economics was the 'dismal science,' why did you become an economist?'

'An unhappy childhood is no excuse for biting the postman.'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'Ralph, you're my lawyer. How could you be nuts?'

'More isn't doing the trick lately. What comes AFTER more?'

"I worry that some people find me boring"

'I was on the fast track until I was siezed by an irresistible urge to bite the C.E.O.'

'You're completely delusional, Mr. Bloom. And therein lies your charm.'