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"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

"Why do I feel so angry about feeling guilty about feeling embarrassed about feeling scared?"

'So the happy meal didn't work.'

"And then it hit me: I'm salivating over a goddam bell."

'I like to live each day as if it's my last.'

'Always had difficulty expressing my anger. Even before the botox injections.'

'How long have you had this need to be in control?'

"The only reason I come here is because they won't let me lay on the couch at home."

'I don't believe in myself any more.'

"I love talking to you about my problems. We should do a podcast."

Leeches In Therapy.

'Thank you for gently guiding me toward insight.'

"You must learn to let go."

"You've been a big help. I finally feel like I have my head on straight."

"I'd love to come to your Laughter Workshop, but it clashes with my Weeping Therapy."

'Your inferiority complex is so bad, maybe you should see a more competent therapist.'

'Do you think I have an inferiority complex?' - 'No, I think you are inferior.'

"She can forgive Nixon, but she can't forgive me."

"To be fair, I think you should be very clear about the ground rules with your next jester."

A la Carte

'You can't keep sweeping all your personnel problems under the carpet.'

We're making progress, but it's still too early to be breaking out the party hats and noise-makers.

'Ralph, you're my lawyer. How could you be nuts?'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

A military leader gleefully describes war to a cowering psychiatrist.

"I worry that some people find me boring"

'If you knew that economics was the 'dismal science,' why did you become an economist?'

Psychiatrist's couch held up by Freud statue.

'More isn't doing the trick lately. What comes AFTER more?'

Psychiatry ward with 'Inhibited' and 'Outgoing' trays.

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

'I was on the fast track until I was siezed by an irresistible urge to bite the C.E.O.'

'An unhappy childhood is no excuse for biting the postman.'

"Well...how did your appointment with the psychiatrist go?"