Therapeutic Conversationalist Pillows

"I have a recurring nightmare that I've taken a test, and the professor won't give me an 'A'."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

Santa uses his interviewing skills on his second job, too.

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

A lesson in wit

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

"You've got two more things to worry about now. You're mad and I'm expensive."

"My main worry is my anxiety."

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'I don't think you're trying hard enough to look at things from the sinner's perspective, Reverend.'

"I had that dream again where I kill my Shrink."

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"You're putting up too many walls Hadrian."

Bla Bla Bla