Theology Appreciator Gifts

"So Mr. Garvin asked, did we all have an understanding in writing? And I said, maybe we can talk about that."

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

'...We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause..."

Priest

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

My mother says the bible is full of good people, like Moses, who brought kindness to the world. That alone makes it a worthy basis for morality in today's world. Moses, Numbers 31:9-18(NIV), look it up.

"It turns out you can 'take it with you' if you pack correctly."

'We were kind of hoping to let our CONSCIENCE be our guide.'

Final words on gravestones.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"Do you have a shoe for roaming and prowling?"

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

"...and thank you for sending my guardian angel to protect me from that truck today..."

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

The Pope Code

Worst. God. Ever.

''Born again'? -- but I was just born five years ago!'

Pre-nuptual Nativity

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"Blasphemy, yes, but it was funny."

Dogs in heaven with collar halos.

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

'Oh, it wasn't glossolalia -- he just gets tongue-tied when he preaches about sex and marriage.'

"...And when the Lord finished, she rested."

I hear you're preaching godlessness, you little heathen. I'm preaching intellectual honesty. There is no proof of a Judeo Christian almighty. You might as well believe in Zeus or the spiritual powers of a raisin scone. Where do you think morality comes from? What do you think is the basis for our civil society? The almighty! All hail the raisin scone! HOJ.

The Venerable Bede

John the Baptist was clothed in camels hair and eight locusts.

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

God is a spider.

"Everyone wants to known what Jesus would do. No one ever asks how Jesus is feeling about his complicated relationship with his father."

'Today's Sermon: Good Cholestrol Vs. Bad Cholestrol'