Theme Planner Gifts

"How could we be short? You had enough chocolate for everyone on our list!"

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"I still plan to be a cowboy when I grow up. If I'm going to service my share of the national debt, I might as well have fun doing it."

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

'Yes, I do have some ideas for the wedding! We could fly in on jet packs, say our vows on a bridge over a piranha pool with you in a white bikini, hold the reception in a casino and honeymoon in a secret underground bunker!'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'We apologise for the delay to the yum-yum train.'

Cindy's imaginary friend has the day off so the agency send over a temp to fill in.

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

"Better put out notepads and pens in case any of them has an idea."

'... I'll take the handoff to the tailback, then give the ball to my stunt double here, and he will dive head-first into the end zone.'

101 uses of a dead cat: rocking horse

"This better be important."

'It's a very realistic set that even comes with contract specifications and outrageous bid proposals.'

"It's a novel about loss, and redemption, and fantastic sex."

'What the . . . no wonder we can't gain any yards. We've been fitted with radio collars...'

"The kindergarteners have breached their classroom confines, and are headed this way. We'll be overrun within minutes. What should we do?"

'What can you suggest for a young lady who thinks she has everything?'

Gracie hatches a plan to trap Santa.

'And that's the quickest way out of the car park after the game.'

The whole club stands behind the coach...

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

When seasons collide

School Trip To The Beach

'He's using a cheat sheet, ump! Can he do that?'

'Their offense is shifty and often ruthless. I want you to study the videotapes - especially this one showing their quarterback robbing a convenience store at gunpoint.'

"Want to have a few pies after work?"

Valentine

"When I win the lottery, I'm gonna spend four months a year at my South Beach condo...five months a year at my Malibu pad...and six months a year at my Caribbean beach house."

A Gardener's Calendar: January - This is the most convenient time to work out your plans for the year.

'I want a 'green' car colored red that keeps me in the black.'

Don't forget that idea...we need the light to find our way back home.