The Bard's Culinary Fan Pillows

"Bill just does celebrity cook-books these days, that's where the real money is."

"How can you be out of wings?"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Cooking with Pierre

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

'You caught 'em. You clean 'em.'

Olden Day Battle of the Bands (Bard vs Sonnet).

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

Toastquest!

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

Road Kill Cafe.

Robotic Prince Hamlet holding a human skull and saying "To be or not to be".

Couple in restaurant, "Sorry it's slow, Chef's got the runs"

'I think the microwave has finally given up the ghost.'

ZZ Top.

"Fancy a take-a-way tonight ?"

Books in the 'Food Section' of a library have been half eaten.

'Whoever called this job WAITING obviously never did it!'

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

"Take Away Food" tramp waiting round corner to pounce

"The menu simply says 'Fried Fish.' I'm waiting for you to provide the lyrical description."

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Cake $6.66. Upside-down cake $9.99.

'Something's wrong. The hot-cakes aren't selling.'

Fast Food

"Hmmmm...What am I in the mood for?"

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

'His snacks and his meals are beginning to OVERLAP!'

"Now you've finished your desserts, can I interest you in some chewing gum?"

"The jelly required a soupçon more texture on the custard was on the wrong side of sweet."

"Lemming" Meringue Pie

'Are you sure that's right, only we Sagittarians aren't usually that ambitious.'

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'