Terms And Conditions Critic Pillows

"I'm sorry, madam, but the use of our toys by a child voids the guarantee."

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"Bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"I like your thinking Steve. Hiding the contract loopholes under the staples is brilliant."

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

Payback Time

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

Terms and conditions

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

"Sign our updated non-compete agreement. It now includes nasty comments on social media."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"This computer program is very intuitive. It automatically calls me when you do something stupid."

'-but surely it's unusual to have nightmares with COMMERCIALS?'

'If you want a reality check, I'll have to see two pieces of I. D.'

"Perfect! Since our company's motto is 'transparency,' make the contract's fine print light gray against white."

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

"Still judging people on stuff you could never do?"

"You misread the terms of your employment. Your probation period is 6 years, not 6 months."

Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

"God, I love this show!"

Brighter days are ahead. I love it when I hear that in both news and weather segments of the program.

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

TV Watch(ing) Dog for sale.

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

Emotional Baggage Handler

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

"I can't wait till after the election when everything will be perfect."

'A new study of people who watch television all the time reveals some shocking facts....'

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'