Contract Critiquer Pillows

'When I decide you need my opinion I'll charge you $450 per hour for it.'

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

"I like your thinking Steve. Hiding the contract loopholes under the staples is brilliant."

'I have enough confidence in our project to put our money where our lawyer's mouth is.'

"Yes, you do get your bonus today. My assistant is empty the change out of the vending machine as we speak."

"Sign our updated non-compete agreement. It now includes nasty comments on social media."

"A handshake is as good as a thirty-page contract, eh, Mr. Harrison?"

"Perfect! Since our company's motto is 'transparency,' make the contract's fine print light gray against white."

"You misread the terms of your employment. Your probation period is 6 years, not 6 months."

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

'We don't need helicopter vision, Manfred. We need a helicopter.'

'So, what are the terms of use?'

"And despite recent insinuations, this loan contract being signed by my client is perfectly legitimate."

'Hang on!...You don't expect me to swallow that as well!'

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

Boss talking to lawyer, 'These new Terms and Conditions you've drafted for us are extremely long and overly complex - our customers are never going to be able to understand them. Well done Jones!'

"No this is your contract. The other one's your bill

'I reject the terms of the contract!'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Of course being on short term contract, I don't enjoy the same benefits as the rest of you.'

'And best of all - no hidden clauses!'

Lawyer to lady: 'Since I specialize in eye injuries, I've eliminated all the fine print.'

"Yes, you paid for the product and the plan, but there's an extra charge for actually using it."

Ask about the incentive plan - Miss one payment and we take you to court.

"You forgot to read the small print Mr Burrows. My charges are ten pounds a letter and you have two hundred and thirty three on this page."

'Doctor, you're on the edge of violating your non-compete.'

"No, no. The contract I signed was of the non-binding kind."

"Of course under the new contract 24 hour cover will be optional, you could also opt to do 36 or 48 hours a day!"

"OK, let's go to contract."

"Excuse me, One has not actually signed the agreement yet!"

'I could personally hand you this report, but instead I'll fax you a blurry copy so you'll have to call me back for my interpretation.'

'According to this pre-nup, if I marry you I have to wait 24 months to upgrade.'

'I don't care how much you interfaced, interacted, coordinated, arranged, or organized in the past. Just tell me how many prenups you've worked on.'

A. Einstein. E = MC2. Yes, I do space-time research, but that doesn't mean I know how to get you out of your timeshare contract.

How long have you had these delusions about being important to a call centre?