Contract Cynic Pillows

'Doctor, you're on the edge of violating your non-compete.'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

"$865 attorney fee, $198 title insurance fee, $150 administration fee, $135 title search fee, and heck, let's add a $200 'at this point the client probably won't notice anyway' fee."

"You can't cheat an honest man, but you can probably screw his attorney."

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

"I like your thinking Steve. Hiding the contract loopholes under the staples is brilliant."

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"Sign our updated non-compete agreement. It now includes nasty comments on social media."

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

'I have enough confidence in our project to put our money where our lawyer's mouth is.'

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"A handshake is as good as a thirty-page contract, eh, Mr. Harrison?"

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"