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Teetotaler introducing his son to the schoolmaster

'Have you been 'helping the environment by supporting local produce' again?'

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

"Look, I know the other team is taller than we are...but I'm pretty sure this isn't allowed."

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

It had been a while, but he had finally come home.

"We'll soon have you sorted out, Mr. Fenton."

Football tournament fever during office hours.

'Uruguayan? - No, he's from Scotland.'

'I guess you're not from around here. In this region of the country football is in the religion section.'

"It's very important to wash your hooves!"

So you're wearing a bag over your head because you're ashamed of your team?' 'It's a cloaking device.'

'That, and my head is shaped like one.'

'Well, here it is, but I don't see any pot.'

'What's the name of our new mascot again?' 'Mopey.'

'He is our darts team captain,he always finishes on a double.'

The Drunkard's Children - Son and Daughter on Trial in Old Bailey

"She's a little overworked but, depending on what happens next Sunday, I'll probably jump back on."

Parson wishing to seem as though he is not drinking

Zoo Football League. Don't worry. They're formidable opponents in the early season but they'll be hibernating by the time the playoffs start.

"Hey -- if you ever want to talk about this no hitter, I'm here."

"Well, I admire your resilience."

'Simendinger! Get back to your position and quit hassling the fans.'

Football Drinks

"You're still in here? Go home. We lost."

Look sharp, women! We're shooting video of our game. I hope it shows our huge victory! Goose! It's for seniors to send to college hockey recruiters. So? It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game!

One cappuccino please, and I wanted to give you this. A note. How formal. Dear small local independent coffee house ... I went to Starbucks this morning. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? What if I agree to purge what I ate? The written apology is sufficient.

'Gee, Doctor Dresher, you have a wonderful way with horses....

Russel could always spot his mother in the crowd.

'I agree-Gary Lineker can get up your nose sometimes,but...'

Go Team!

'It's not good, coach. He'll be in therapy for the rest of the season.'

Small store loses out to glossy big store

"If we walk him, it will just add to our reputation for passivity and downright indolence."