Television Interviewer Pillows

"Haven't you noticed, Ned, how everyone's films are getting shallower except mine."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

I'm a self-made man!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.