Telephone Tirade Survivor Pillows

'If this is a live person - drop dead.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

Call centre musicians

"We already changed our phone service to something or other last week, so we don't need whatever it is you have."

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

"It's a robocall, should I take it?"

Damn predictive text, did you mean to break up with me or 'brick my tit'?"

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"Even though I'm a robot with robot with no emotions, all these telemarketing calls I'm getting is starting to get on my nerves."

"I'm sorry – you have the wrong language."

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

'Please... take... a... moment... to... complete... our... brief... survey... to... help... improve... customer... satisfaction... '

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

Heck Support.

"No one whose name is pronounced that way lives here."

"I only wish this was the final notice."

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"Car insurance?? - No thanks!"

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

I'm comfort breaking my ass off here!

'He's busy right now but if it's important I'll wake him.'

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

"To be honest I thought Hades would be Hellfire, Brimstone and eternal suffering....but this is way worse!!"

"Hi this is Mario...is this Sergio Bermudez? Are you interested in buying..."

'If you wish to complain please press 2 and then select the Death Metal band that you'd like to listen to while you are on hold.'

Ten Months Later