Telepathic Humorist Pillows

'It's the Psychic Network returning your call you plan to make tomorrow.'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I'm just glad we got out before interest rates went up again."

'She barely made it out of the atmosphere... next!'

"If you get to the pitchfork-shaped cloud, you've gone too far."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

Water is discovered on the moon....

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

"And where do you see yourself in the next 7-8 billion years?"

'It's all done with computer animation now.'

"You're completely screwed up."

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"How long have I had what problem?"

'Those are the Divinity students.'

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Computer help.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

Unsmiley face at the psychiatrist...

"Siri, are Charlie’s parents to blame for his neurosis?"

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

"My brother is always trying to one-up me. As soon as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said he had tripolar disorder."