Tease Maestro Pillows

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

Orchestra.

'It seems to work, I couldn't afford a blackberry!'

"What's important is that we learn from what we must never admit happened."

The day Bob finally understood radiation of species.

"Billy's room gets cleaned for free! The cleaning service uses it to train employees how to clean a hazardous waste dump."

How to identify the alarming mood swings of male menopause.

Children playing in the street

"Wow! You're a real good guesser, mom...that's exactly what we had at Jonny's party! Spaghetti an' cake an' ice cream!"

A powerful tennis serve loosens the strings of a tennis racquet.

The alphabet blocks are great for teaching him how to text!

A Dummy Corporation.

'Dad... He's still making faces at me!'

Slow, merge left, resume speed, stop, stay, sit, roll over, good boy!

"If I had a million dollars, I'd buy myself a new car, a new house for Dad and new clothes for Tia Carmen!"

I got you a 20th anniversary present. An iPhone charger? An actual, real gift? What's the catch? House of Java Cybercafe. No catch. For the last 20 years, you've been the best whipping boy I've ever had. You're a complete tool of the technology industry. You've been a real pleasure to mock. In fact, the last 20 years of making fun of your pathetic life has made this two rewarding decades. Plug back in, whipping boy! I will outlast you, smelly old bat!

"Look at you! Dirty all over! I told you not to play with your ink!!"

"But this way I know where everything is."

Martha Stewart at Home.

"Because of your age, I'm going to recommend doing nothing."

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"Oh, good! Lucille is sending me some stuff!"

"Something has happened to the canary."

Do you think Ryan Beardsley would like me more if I highlighted my hair? Maybe -

I think the revolution's started - his room's in an awful mess!

'A table for four please - she has an imaginary friend.'

Baby driver

Of the seven, which dwarf do you identify with?

"You've probably already guessed, ...I'm the bluebird of sloppiness."

'This bloke is good.' - 'He's even better when he takes his cue out of it's case.'

'Of course I would have preferred to be a music prodigy...'

'I'm waiting until someone develops a Weapon of Mess Destruction.'

Happy Birthday

'Let's give him a good scare by all playing dead.'