Tea And Talk Fan Pillows

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"He also barks, meows and makes noises like a hamster."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"Global warming is a great icebreaker."

"It was the most relaxing massage I've ever had."

"Well, of course we married industrialists. All three of us were young and beautiful, and smokestack America looked like it would last forever."

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

'Hey Joe!...Me? Oh,nothing much,just out walking the fish.And you?...'

"I wish you'd stop obsessively checking your feed!"

'But you distinctly said working breakfast.'

"You know that tune you sang yesterday morning? It was stuck in my head the whole day long..."

"Wait … where’s Chicken Little? And who is ‘Kim Jong Un’?"

"Okay, now this time just start chasing the squirrel instead of asking it to dance."

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

"You're down 10 - zip after the friggin' first half. Ask yourself � what is it going to take to turn this shit around?"

'I thought you invited me to play T-ball!'

When motivational speakers are TOO effective.

" ...And now, for today's TED Talks ..."

'Sorry Binky, but there is no category for talking dogs.'

'Are you accusing my dog of identity theft?'

'I've got to go - we're having the zebras for dinner.'

"Winning isn't everything - it's the only thing!"

"If I use twitter to communicate, does that make me a twit?"

'Do you think I'm conceited?' 'No,why?' 'Girls that are pretty and intelligent sometimes are conceited.'

'We should talk more.'

'When do you think we'll be old enough for adult diapers?'

"Your problem is, when you have a window of opportunity, you usually jump out of the window."

Woman and dog with mobiles

"I've got this phobia about paying bills...."