Talk Show Ironicist Gifts

Items From the Jay Leno Fan Club

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'll bet you can't name three of their songs."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

Paunch and Judy.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'It's a new reality show about a reality show producer...'

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'