Talk Show Ironicist Gifts

Items From the Jay Leno Fan Club

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

Wifi in Hell

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'll bet you can't name three of their songs."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Paunch and Judy.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

Hotel mini-bar.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'It's a new reality show about a reality show producer...'