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'Alright, which one of you is the patient?'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

Current location

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Hypochondria Hospital

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

'I've a horrible feeling I've left one of the implements inside the patient, Chang.'

'Good help is hard to find, so I decided to clone myself.'

Pinocchio has a nose job.

"Uh, try unplugging him, then plugging him back in."

"Rolling pizza cutter."

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

"If it takes the GMC 20 years to spot a rogue surgeon what chance have you got in 20 minutes?"

Hospital Cleaning.

I like a lot of witnesses around.

'You'll be aware during the entire procedure because our anesthetic has been recalled by the F.D.A.'

Tinnitus.

Chiropodist is wearing a gas mask while treating a client.

'Dont you hate it when there are parts left over.'

'We may as well make use of you.'

'I see that somebody grabbed the bull by the horns.'

Doctor: 'Mind if I cut in?'

'Good grief. I think your body rejected your cornea transplant.'

"Why do I always get the stupid wobbly table?"

"Our operators are all busy. You are second in the queue."

"Sorry, Bob, those are the rules– you drop the kidney, you give them yours."