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"Normally, I make a tiny incision just below the naval. But I saw a spider."

"Sorry, Bob, those are the rules– you drop the kidney, you give them yours."

"He's counted backwards by fives, he's named all fifty states plus their capitals. I'm telling you, the tank's out of anesthesia."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Happy Birthday to you.

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

'Time for your pills.'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

"Gross."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Long shift?'

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

Why you shouldn't date an anesthesiologist.

"Turn your head and cough."

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

"It appears your anus transplant has rejected you..."

"Darn it, lost another swab."

Mobile Operations Stand.

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

'I think we should cut back on the tranquilizers.'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"No, your tonsils are fine. It's all the rest of you that's knackered!"

Current location

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'