Superstitious Sage Gifts

"Either the crystal ball's had it or you have."

Sigmund Freud.

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"Tia Carmen, I have a killer test tomorrow. Can you help?"

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

Bishop with a crozier case.

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

"I wish you people would just read the blog."

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'Meaning of life, eh? -- Who wants to know?'

Bad luck

Oscar Wilde

Having a senior moment

Distilleries Association

"It says we're incompatible, I'm Virgo and you're stupid."

"I need to know what the future holds, at least for the next six weeks."