Superstitious Sage Gifts

"Either the crystal ball's had it or you have."

Sigmund Freud.

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"Tia Carmen, I have a killer test tomorrow. Can you help?"

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

Bishop with a crozier case.

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

"I wish you people would just read the blog."

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

Bad luck

'Meaning of life, eh? -- Who wants to know?'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

Oscar Wilde

Having a senior moment

Distilleries Association

'How many potatoes to make a bottle of vodka?.'