Super Bowl Analyst Gifts

"Why study Latin? I guess so we'll know what Super Bowl game we're watching."

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

Cricket Accidents.

'What are we, wimps? Are we gonna let a bunch of rabbits push us all over the field? Come on, big guys.'

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

'...I don't like your chances!'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

Super Bowl Halftime Show Barbra Streisand reads from her memoir.

Centaur Forward

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

Baseball Fantasy League Draft. 27 Trout. Everybody wants that rare player who can do it all on their team. Yeah, a player that hits for average and hits for power! Who is also terrific with a glove and has a strong throwing arm. All along with having great speed! Excuse me, I just don't understand it. Why are you always making such a big deal over a five-tool player?!

'Fergie quits - chewing gum sales hit all time low!'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

The Female Brain and The Other One

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Basketball.

'All this viewing is an endurance event in itself...'

Lost Season

Wilfried Zaha

Jose Mourinho & Roman Abramovich Caricature.

'Nice tackle, Dewey! You knocked the fur ball out of him!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

"We would have won if it hadn't been for the other team."