Sunday Service Survivor Gifts

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

A child interrupting family prayers

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Sermon Applause.

"...and in conclusion..."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

A woman in prayer