Sunday Service Fisher Gifts

'Well, at least they came to church first,'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Fish hunting for men.

"My blood pressure stays fine, Doctor, as long as nothing comes between me and my fishing."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

A child interrupting family prayers

'My goodness,Ralph,let him have it.It's only a measly old meal worm.'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Looks like a good day fah haulin' lobstah, eh, Pauley?...Let's just say it became a good day fah drinkin'...'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

How's my sermon. . .

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"...and in conclusion..."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'