Sunday Activities Pillows

"I hope Jesus returns as a football player, so you will spend time with Him on Sundays!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Coping with a strong-willed child

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"She wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to golf."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

A child interrupting family prayers

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Moses, some of the people are requesting gluten free manna."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"...and in conclusion..."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"Today let's work on changing channels, drinking with a mouthful of food, and yelling at the TV all at the same time."

Sermon Applause.

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'