Successful Quarter Gifts

'The company had a good quarter, so we've decided to give you that company vehicle you've been wanting.'

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'We're holding our own, but I'd really like to see some growth.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

Soaring Profits

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

Business is off the chart.

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

"I didn't get where I am by trying to please."

'And right here they merged...'

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

"Remember that optimistic, slightly crazy, throw a dart at the wall forecast? We beat it."

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

'Guess who made a bushel today?'

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

Beware of the 4th quarter.

"At least we're consistent ... "

"And so if the pillage numbers don't improve this quarter, I have just one word for you: waterskis."