Suburban Settler T-Shirts

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

NYer uploaded by mod - "Come look, hon! We just got a new cactus!"

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Beware of the Lawn

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

Tortured Plank

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."

Yoghurt man

It was going to be a subdivision, but they ran out of snow. Chilly Hills Estates.

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

Skimming out star reflections

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

Hedge Car

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

Moving Van.

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

The City of Eden…in Fact - Martin Outside the 'Office' of Chuzzlewit & Co

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

Poker Moms