Suburban Settler T-Shirts

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

NYer uploaded by mod - "Come look, hon! We just got a new cactus!"

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Beware of the Lawn

Tortured Plank

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."

Yoghurt man

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

Skimming out star reflections

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

Hedge Car

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

Moving Van.

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

The City of Eden…in Fact - Martin Outside the 'Office' of Chuzzlewit & Co

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

"When do your in-laws leave?"

Suburban blues legends