Storyteller Of Fortunes Lost T-Shirts

'Formerly wine taster workaholic.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

Frontispiece to 'The Pickwick Papers'

'It was a rare accident. Lightning struck his bed pan.'

"You know if we market it right, this thing could spread like the wheel."

'I wish I'd never seen Lost, now.'

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

'I still write all my novels longhand.'

Businessman Panhandling

Lady of the Remote

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your...Hey!'

"Oh, great. Humble Beginnings."

'Are you sure this is all you can remember seeing after you were attacked?'

Martin is much gratified by an imposing ceremony

The Magi: Christmas, 1993

"Hoping to find a Picasso at a garage sale isn't a solid retirement plan."

"Over there - an island!"

Business Fairy Tales.

'I see lot's of water...'

"No, you don't get to put your spin on them."

"Well, my pension was tied up in the cruise liner industry."

'Well, you've been a great companion, Charlie. But you'd better hope we're rescued before Thanksgiving.'

"The best thing about getting old is YouTube wasn't around when we did really stupid stuff."

"Wait a minute ... this isn't my timeshare!"

"Woah!! Rayna is speaking in tongues!"

Desert Island Messages

"That's enough. I refuse to compete with Anna Quindlen!"

"Armageddon? Aren't you the one who was saying the sky was falling?"

'Grandpa, tell us again how the environmentalists won the election of 2012!'

The Suppressed Paintings of Cavewomen

'If you embraced social media, people wouldn't doubt our existence.'

'The worse part is there's no ATM here.'

"You were a schlub in all of your previous lives, too."