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Book Burp

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

Breakfast surreal.

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"Stuffing your face while watching TV does cause obesity."

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

"Get those things away from me- I can't stop eating them."

Cookie Thief

"Hey, Jerky! You're standing in the middle of my entrée!"

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'OK, remain calm. Who's missing? Milk? Eggs? Cheese? Where'd they go? How much do they know? And will they talk?'

'Where did you get the idea that crackers are a minimum daily requirement?'

Hey Gus, I've managed to steal some crackers and some grapes too...

'My wife has me on a very strict diet so I need a safe place to store my binge foods.'

"Sergio, you know I don't snoop...but I was in Baldo's room this morning...and I found this."

"Dad, what is a meal?"

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Burger Discus

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

'It's just a few things your concession stand doesn't carry - fried chicken, potato salad, pumpkin pie...'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

"Yeah, he calls me his best friend alright, but he's never shared his hot chips: not once!"

15 Second Grocery Delivery

"I don't care if it is the best value... next time we're just getting a MEDIUM popcorn!"

Cull people who eat big bags of potato chips during a movie.