Store Visits Pillows

Glass and Porcelain Store: Elephants must remain outside.

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'Of all the nerve!...Making us sit through the whole of their Bayeux Tapestries!!'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

The practical psychopath

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"You've ordered comfort food. May I recommend a comfort wine?"

Man browsing books see couple kissing in romance section of book store.

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'You don't have to drive around. We bring the food to your table.'

Sunburn lotion, Windburn lotion.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"We're on our way to the mall to do some off-line shopping."

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

Mistaken identity.

"Great God Almighty! Somebody please wake me up and tell me I'm only dreaming that the chicken marsala costs a whopping twenty-eight ninety-five!"

Books 'n' Carrots

'When it comes to shopping, not only does the buck stop here, but so do the fives, tens, twenties, fifties and hundreds.'

"What do you recommend today?"

I'll try the cod surprise.

"Is it fresh?"

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

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Books On Paper

"You folks ready to order?"

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

'All right, I agree with you.'

'Would you like to continue your bickering at a table or in a booth?'