Stocks And Stress Pillows

2017 stress management classes spike.

The day the stock market went UP.

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

'May I be excused? I just checked my college investment portfolio online, and I feel sick.'

'I think I know what the problem is!'

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Slipping and sliding down the slope...

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

"He's quick with the birds and bees stuff, but then comes the bulls and the bears..."

'This is where I hang out until bullishness makes a comeback.'

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

Never tell the boss "You can count on me" during inventory.

Stockbroker and Psychotherapist: Money won't make you happy and therapy won't make you rich.

'They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Here's a list of fools. Make it happen.'

'These latest figure are encouraging...'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

"Elon Musk is buying rope and walnuts."

"Our initial public offering, .... The public has gotten wind of it!"

'To satisfy our stockholders, we'll draw stars to see which of us will be hung in effigy.'

'Those are my twins: NASDAQ and Dow. They were born at the height of the dot.com boom.'

City Redundancies - In? Out?

'You go without me. I'm feeling a little down today.'

"In an unexpected development, the market behaved rationally today."

'I don't know about you, but I really don't like the look of that yield curve.'

'...and the Nikkei closed down on the day.'

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

"...That's agreed then, we raise our salaries by 40%..."

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'