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"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

'I just got back from Wall Street.'

Bottle of pills labelled 'Global Recovery Capsules,' with 'Warning: May cause inflation, deflation, nausea, panic attacks. Use caution when mixing with optimism, stocks, bonds.'

'I'll feel better about his recovery chances after he's able to be taken off life support.'

'I asked to be placed on the national no-call list for margin calls.'

'When daddy comes home, tell him you still love him, even though he lost money with stupid trades in emerging markets.'

'In lieu of a dividend, you'll be e-mailed a 'stock tip du jour'.'

'You have a balanced investment portfolio. Everything you own is losing money equally.'

'Oh no! I've had tons wiped off my footprint.'

'These latest figure are encouraging...'

Wall Street Crash, 1869

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

"Sit anywhere, it's just you - our IPO was a damned train wreck."

Here today, Bailed Out Tomorrow.

'I don't want your wallet. I want venture capital.'

The End is Nigh

We've Hit Bottom...

Tortoise (small stocks) winning against the hare (big stocks).

'Pingree FUNDS, inc'

The U.S. economy heading towards a downturn

We offer 'free range' funds (no artificial derivatives)

'I think I know what the problem is!'

"I'm bored! Let's create a new financial crisis!"

"AXP 0.78, AIG 1.12, T 2.63. . ."

"How was I supposed to know the market would drop like that? I'm a financial advisor, not a congressman."

"The markets seem to be a little jittery this morning."

"Your waste management stock has been upgraded to junk."

"Insider trading is so last century, I prefer exclusive networking opportunities."

"Love it!"

"Get lost! You're just gonna screw things up!"

"Since you're being home schooled, I'll teach you what I know – how to do a leveraged buyout."

"But on the bright side, my year end bonus was huge!"

'I hope you realize that when I use the term 'disposable income' it is not to be taken literally.'

'The financial services economy has shrunk again.'

'You'd be amazed at the number of calls we get!'