Stock Market Comedian Pillows

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'Your struggling emerging markets portfolio could use a song. How about 'Don't cry for me, Argentina'?'

'Stock Market Investment Advice. Don't.'

Buy ten stocks and I'll give you a free meal every day...including a family box of gastric spasm medicine!

'Great. Now that I've got a better idea of your tolerance for risk, I have a few investments to recommend.'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

Money Bar.

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

You invested in Facebook?! How could you? That bugs you? You, of all people, are mad that the FTC is suing Meta Platforms in an antitrust case? No, I mean how can you afford to invest? If you can afford to buy stock, then I pay you way too much. It was only $40! Quiet, I'm calculating your pay cut.

'Mr. Hickey really knows how to keep our stockholders meetings short and sweet!'

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

The Euro - R.I.P.

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

White Collar Crime.

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

"I have the profit sharing figures. You owe the company �2,367.25."

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'