Star Collectors Pillows

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

'It's not for myself, you understand."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

'You don't have the muscles to buy a muscle car, dear.'

'God's speed.'

Santa's wash day.

Lovers

'I'm afraid you'll have to buy a car, sir -- Braxton, here, accidentally sold your car to somebody else.'

'An this good luck charm is to commemorate when our turtle ran away. He's the one who took Jim's pinkie.'

"Too much club."

'Mom, dad's toasting the new year with the car again!'

Hip hop Santa.

"...and it comes with sat-nav, which as you can see the previous owner used all the time."

Acme Flyswatters.

"There it is...the car of my dreams! It's the perfect match! The seat...the steering wheel...they just call my name! I'm not leaving here without it!"

Orthopaedist

'But, honey, the girl in the bikini only adds to the awesomeness of my car.'

'It's a British car. Needs braces.'

Driverless tow truck.

"Do you have anything smaller?"

No Carrot Sign (like the old 'no radio' signs).

'Built in obsolescence: Mini with a wind up gramophone.'

'I want one that says 'get lost' but includes a pocket compass.'

Groucho Glasses Eye Test

"Got any new monster trucks?"

"It was basically $10,000 per cup holder."

"I decided to invest in precious metals - I bought a new car."

'If I were you, I'd leave the keys in the ignition and hope someone steals it.'

'So do you want one with an accelerator, or one with brakes?'

OBSOLETE: Any state of the art vehicle you bought last week for mega bucks.

This one has a gadget that tells you how much you still owe on it.