Stand-up Storyteller Pillows

"Tonight I'll be performing a monologue about where I like to shop, my hair color, and something my mother did that upset me."

Shepherd and eurydice

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

They hated me.

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"Thor! I am Thor! Ha. Just kidding. I'm Tom the Seagull."

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

"When I grow up, I'm writing the Great American App."

Dog chews 'The Cat Book'.

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Edgar Allen Poe

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

'Cow in love'

'Are you sure I should read my book report to the class? --�It's PG-13.'