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'The Angina Monologues'

'And that's why I don't think that cartoon is funny.'

'Let's go to a bar and do something funny.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"Wow...tough crowd."

"Yes, I did tell you I was the class clown, but I never said I was funny."

Workman's Bottom

'Just a thought, but maybe Obama should keep his nose out of the upheavals in teh Middle East and worry about what's happening HERE... That's not Bahrain surgery!'

'Love...is a many pointed thing...'

'Remain nonchalant. Act like I'm just buying a burger.'

'OK, hit cancel if you've computed this one...'

"You really need to work on your chat-up technique Bobo."

'Never forget, Sweetheart, it's my low comedy that keeps you in high fashion!'

'Desks equipped with airbags - for now that's our company's health plan.'

'Have you noticed how similar Clegg and Cameron look?'=

Stephen Fry

". . . and that's why I can't go back to Lowe's! Bada boom!! Man, you all are a tough crowd."

At the Brew-haha Comedy Club

Romesh Ranganathan

"Doctor, my penis has been burning lately..."

As you can probably tell, I'm easily offended

Chris O'Dowd

"I just swam in from the sea and boy are my fins tired!"

'The First Lady says that the barbecue in Charlotte, North Carolina, is great, but the locals say she doesn't know what she's talking about.... but they're going too far when they sing 'Michelle Dumbbell.''

"Here's a request from someone who'd like to hear something in tune for a change. Oh, we have a comedian out there, I see."

1874: Custer's Last Stand-Up

'I'm looking for an assistant who can keep me in mind of how well I'm doing.'

'John McCain wants reform now! -- he says illegal immigration is NOT a problem... To continue this cartoon in English, press 'one.''

'Hey buddy, it's supposed to be stand-UP comedy.'

A dog on stage beside a sign that reads "Blinky the talking dog - Rated X"

"The later the set, the less they get my jokes."

"Stage-Fright" - The One-Man Show

Tonight Lecture by Eastern Wise Man $25. A few words from local wise guys $1.98.

Goat Feed $.50. I don't really need any more food, so if you don't mind, I'll just take the cash.

The exploding chicken bit