Stadium Commentator Gifts

Richie McCaw

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

I think you're ace

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

Kenny Dalglish

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

Tennis ball girl.

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

American Football.

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

Cricket widow's revenge 2

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'He's missed six goals today. I bet he could kick himself.'