Spouses Pillows

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

"Then we agree. 10 minutes of your news, then 10 minutes of mine."

THE GOLDMANS HIRE A MEDIA CONSULTANT.

"It's 11.30pm Do you know where your children are? Do you care?"

'He says I was REALLY over charged!'

"Not another gooseberry bush!"

'I told you we weren't pet people.'

Art Gallery: 'I am looking for something my kid couldn't have made.'

The Perfect Foil

I can't believe the kids will be home tomorrow. Wow. That was one short week. It was romantic to be alone � And do what we can't when the kids are around! Mmm. It did feel good! � To finally clean the basement. My dream comes true.

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

"Harry! You?"

'What did your grandmother and I do before we had 600 channels? Go ask your 12 aunts and uncles.'

"You say that if I learned to cook, we could sack the chef. If you were better in bed,we could sack all the other male staff!"

It's January. Do you know where your children are?

'If you are interested, we do sell reading glasses for $25 each.'

When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.

"Never marry an engineer."

'Space is not an issue: I'll just dig out a few more rooms...'

'It's so quiet around here, now that the kids are fattened up and gone.'

'He's just gone into a hot adults only website.'

"I can see future generations swallowing the 'talking serpent' part, but we need a more plausible forbidden fruit."

"I asked Dad and he said it was married life after the honeymoon. Is that really what Purgatory means?"

"I guess we could probably downsize now that you've eaten all the kids."

Love as a prophylaxis against Coronavirus

"O.K., that's settled. Larry gets the car and Barbara gets the parking space."

"Are the kids asleep?"

"You make a very compelling case, Jeffrey, but I still maintain that my day was worse than yours."

"Please, John, think of the plants."

"It slices! It dices! It drives a wedge between you and your wife, because you stored all the unsold units in her writing nook, not like she was using it anyways but whatever!"

"I can't keep it from you any longer, Irene. This is the other woman."

"Edgar, don't you think it's time you donated a wing somewhere?"

"Everything's just fine. The garden is coming in beautifully, and Jeremy is in his usual rage."

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

"There's something to be said for this, there's something to be said for that. There's something to be said for everything."