Spouse Gifts

"You shouldn't have!"

"I miss you too, honey. Now put the dog on."

"We'd be there by now in the car you know."

"All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark!"

"Susan, this might be just the wine talking, but I think I want to order more wine."

"You slept with her, didn't you?"

"You are my blue beach glass."

"Some people say you can't put a price on a wife's twenty-seven years of loyalty and devotion. They're wrong."

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

Scenes from a successful marriage.

"I made partner!"

"I'm sorry, dear. I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?"

An old woman measuring the decreasing height of an old man using a height chart

'What took you so long?'

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

"After we have sex but before I kill you, I'm going to need your help with some shelves."

"Aphids on the heliotrope!"

"Sweetheart, I don't want anyone to make you unhappy except me."

"It'll never work—you're a moviegoer and I'm a film buff."

“Stop avoiding me. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you are awake.”

"I'm sorry darling, did I just say, 'I hate you with every micro-fiber of my being'?"

"Surprise! It's my birthday."

"You're not going to put that there, are you?"

"As a matter of fact, you did catch us at a bad time."

(I'm tasting berries with deep earth overtones and a definite hint of almond) (That would be the Cyanide.)

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"I'm doing some reorganizing - are there any of your possessions that you want to keep?"

"I've decided to purge our material goods, starting with your crap."

Difference of Opinion

"Take my hand, my love, and come with me to the cabin, where we can explore each other's naked bodies for ticks."

Way too General Practitioner

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

"I'm here to fix the lasagne."

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

"Of course I love you more than cheese. What a silly question. In fact, cheese and I are just friends. Nothing's going on between cheese and me."