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'I said 'Quick fill it up with sand!''

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

Alternative fielding positions

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

The Golfing Accident

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

"... It's just that, when you said you had a couple of tickets to see the big game..."

"I lettered in spelling."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'There! See that? Brad just happens to morph into some kind of hideous amphibian just as he's about to putt? Now tell me she's not cheating!'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

Beijing Olympics - Treadmill.

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Alarmistclock

Major Bunker (who has been persuaded to join in a game of hockey for the first time, absent-mindedly preparing to drive). 'Force.'

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"I got a red card for not having enough fun!!"

Various men worshipping a statue of a football

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

"You cheap shit! Why can't we have a designer divorce?"

Safety Barriers

Runner 007 is given a martini for refreshment.