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"Tell you what, Mark, when we write the gospels, better edit out that bit."

"The good news is there is a God. The bad news is, he's stalking me."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"God may have forgiven you, but Hoskins, Danner & Smythe, LLC, have not."

God asks an angel for change for a tower viewer.

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"Gimme a break, guys, it's just until I get the hang of it."

"In heaven there are no trees."

'A WOMAN? -- Well, I'll be damned!'

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

'I liked the loaves he gave out last week better. The ones with the little poppy seeds.'

"Is it just me or does the dog seem calmer since you got it that new collar?"

"Oh my god Mr. Bland, something's happened hasn't it ?"

'Well, she ate the apple -- I SAID you should have the whole thing catered.'

'The church offering was really down this week, we received three I.O.U.'s.'

'No, I heard you snoring -- you just dreamed that you attained Nirvana.'

Money or no money, root of all evil?

"Let me see if I can get Him on speakerphone."

'About this tithing business -- do You accept manna?'

Meditating cat. 'Hi! You have reached the 4th state of consciousness. We're not in right now...

"Now that I'm enlightened, I have to admit: I kind of miss the suffering."

"Hi. I'm Rod. And this is my staff."

Priest

'Every time one door closes, another one opens. Can you fix it?'

'Can I use your mantra today? - I forgot mine.'

'That's right. I took all your money and didn't teach you a darn thing -- enlightening, isn't it?'

'Tell me about yourself. How long have you been dead?'

'Hey, come on -- You've got to believe in yourself!'

'This is God I Missed you in church last Sunday.'

"And finally, we have about two billion Thank God it's Friday proclamations."

"What happens on earth stays on earth, right, sir?"

'Now-Now! We all make mistakes.'