Speedy Conversationalist T-Shirts

'Do as I did - Learn to drink quicker.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Why we need poetry. . .

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"This may be the wine talking, but I'm wasted."

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."