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Janet Street Porter's Dog.

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

MLK

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Vote for me. I'm ready, and willing. Two out of three isn't bad.'

"Wow! - String Theory must be true after all..!"

'I see an applicant being hired!'

'Now that we've learned to talk, we can have FOCUS GROUPS!'

"So, tell me what happened after this Schrodinger put you in this box..."

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

Mr Micawber Delivers some Valedictory Remarks

'You're putting coffee grounds in the plants again, aren't you?'

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

"Would you describe your gall as mitigated or unmitigated?"

The social isolation of the entomologist...

John Cooper Clarke

'Wow, excellent turnout.'

"Don't stare at his massive claw. . . don't stare at his massive claw. . ."

Things You Say Wher You Are Officially Old - Volume # 1

"Travis didn't believe in nouns."

'He's a nice guy, but those tectonic plates of his really weird me out.'

President Barack Obama

"Occasionally, the membrane between parallel universes ruptures."

'What are you doing at the weekend?'

"Well of course it's unintelligible. I'm an English professor!"

The British Society of Campanology...

'Of course you can stay the night-what d'you fancy-on top or underneath?'

"It might be a traffic cone to you sir, but it happens to be my favourite."

"Yes, crazy does sometimes beat sane... but rarely during a job interview."

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

'The new chairman is a great speaker - he just goes on and on.'

'Can my feminine side take out a restraining order againist my masculine side?'