Spaying Pillows

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

City Zoo: Day Care

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

"Bond James, Bond."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"Have you been on the moon again, young man?"

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

I like the Jets...I guess

'What would your mum say if she saw you drawing all over the wall like that?'

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

A young Don King

"They grow up so fast."

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Someone once told me that kids grow up so quickly. I hope there's some truth to that."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"This is a great spot to practice mighty roars son..."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."