Sous Chef Superstar T-Shirts

Stop him! He's got the recipe! (Bird running out of the kitchen).

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

'I hope you like this, dear. I got the recipe from Gordon Ramses, latest cookery hieroglyphics.'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip!'"

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

How I met your mother

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"I don't bake, I don't cook, but I make one kick-ass vinaigrette."

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

TV Chef Cooking Range

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

'It's amazing how many recipes you can find with courgettes in them when you have to'

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

"That's a toaster. It's a tanning bed for bread."

"It's fondue night!"

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

Stand back - while I whip something up

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

Baker

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

"It's still stew but the celebrity chef wants to call it a deconstructed steak and ale pie with a dusting of salt in a brown sauce coulis."

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

'Hello - is that Jamie Oliver?'