Sous Chef Superstar T-Shirts

Stop him! He's got the recipe! (Bird running out of the kitchen).

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I hope you like this, dear. I got the recipe from Gordon Ramses, latest cookery hieroglyphics.'

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

"I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip!'"

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

How I met your mother

"I don't bake, I don't cook, but I make one kick-ass vinaigrette."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

TV Chef Cooking Range

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

'It's amazing how many recipes you can find with courgettes in them when you have to'

"It's fondue night!"

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

'Have you been using that Hairy Bikers cookbook again'

"That's a toaster. It's a tanning bed for bread."

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

Stand back - while I whip something up

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

Baker

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

"It's still stew but the celebrity chef wants to call it a deconstructed steak and ale pie with a dusting of salt in a brown sauce coulis."

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

Emeril Lagasse

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'