Song Singer Mugs

Waiters hate Simon Cowell...

Shepherd and eurydice

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Louis Armstrong

Showbiz Awards

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

Lennon and McCartney.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Omara Portuondo

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

A Fairytale Update

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

Papageno from The Magic Flute

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

Anna Calvi

EWE 2.

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

George Michael

"This next one's another oldie."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

Red Letter Days - A declaration of love in public

"Michael, your father and I are worried that you're awfully young to be singing the blues."

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

Cut out and keep your own Frank Sinatra.

"That is an outrageous slur."

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

Annie, the Reptile version: 'The sun will come out tomorrow! Tomorrow! You will sun yourself tomorrow!'