Socially Challenged Gifts

"I wish just once I could pay someone a compliment that doesn't go wrong."

"I'm returning this book, 'Being Popular and Making Friends', Fatty."

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

"It's not the persistent lack of sunlight or freezing temperatures that bother me - it's the crowds I can't stand."

"We can waste time and look for a solution or...just find a scapegoat?"

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

To-Let Town Centre Map

"Don't ask, don't tell, don't give a crap - that's my contract with America."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

Statue of Christopher Columbus

"There she is! Don’t be nervous. Just be yourself, walk over there and sniff her."

Business men line up at the police station

The NHS - 'I'm afraid years of neglect and abuse have left her in terminal decline.'

"I invited a few friends over. Don’t worry – you can still be miserable."

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

'Society, I find you guilty of...everything.'

Heaven Has VIP

Lenny, the Fifth Wheel of the Apocalypse

'I'm so bad with money, I never know how much I have in the bank unless I shake it and count what falls out.'

"Dear diary, what the heck did you do with my car keys?!"

'And you can no longer talk to people face to face!'

"I misplace everything, yet there always seems to be more of it."

Government Notice: You should be worrying about something.

'How could Plato write The Republic with a quill pen on parchment when I can't write a memo with a deluxe computer?'

"All I'm saying is that family values are really important to all of us. For example...I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. You?"

"So now I guess I'll have to meet your friends."

'You rate very high in everything, except, of course, people skills.'

"I consider myself to be a counterproductive member of society."

'I must get an instruction book for this phone...that's the fifth time this week I've taken a photograph of my right ear.'

Boys are boys and girls...?

"Armageddon-hotline, please select your current fer from our menu. . ."

'Don't you think you should get involved in some volunteer work, Bernie?'

Couple ignore drowning man, saying: 'It's just a cry for help.'