Soccer Squad Star Gifts

"So you used to be in a darts team?"

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

'Will you lot come out! - the new kit's not that bad!'

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

Football

Even good cholesterol can develop an unhealthy sports addiction...

'We need you to get onto those high balls coming over'

Ball as water-melon.

'Oi, nobody gives me a kiss.'

"This crucial pre-game drill keeps you focused and eliminates distractions!"

Jumping cheerleaders

Westview High School Soccer League Victory Dinner

So far the coaching exchange program was hitting a few snags.

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

'I think I've scored.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

Children playing football.

The Goalkeeper

'I reckon we need a new sweeper.'

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

Wilfried Zaha

A woman watches football on her computer.

'I told you that rock wall climbing would be useful. I'll get our ball back with no trouble at all.'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"Before we begin. . . terms and conditions. . ."

Soccer coach of the year.

'What makes you think we'll lose today?'

Cristiano Ronaldo

Football player taking the ball home.

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'The other kids at school say I might need glasses, Dad.'

'Blimey, boss - that's a bit revolutionary, isn't it?'

A scarecrow goalie