Snarky Divorcee Pillows

"At least I got half the Twitter followers in the divorce."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

Computer Aided Divorce.

'Steve's divorce was really harsh - His wife got the house.'

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'Why do divorces cost so much?' - 'Because they're worth it.'

'Can't we just get a divorce?'

Early divorce settlement

'Under the terms of my divorce I have to wear it for a full year.'

HUSBAND FOR SALE - Am keeping the house.