Divorce Humor Connoisseur Pillows

"Here. I sold you on Ebay."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'You were right - the honeymoon is a bad time to get to know a gal!'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

Congratulations on your Divorce

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

'Steve's divorce was really harsh - His wife got the house.'

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

'Why do divorces cost so much?' - 'Because they're worth it.'