Divorce Humor Connoisseur Pillows

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

'You were right - the honeymoon is a bad time to get to know a gal!'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

Congratulations on your Divorce

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

'Steve's divorce was really harsh - His wife got the house.'

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

'Why do divorces cost so much?' - 'Because they're worth it.'

'Can't we just get a divorce?'