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"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

reincarnated worm...

The height of fashion in 1796

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Cord cutter

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"